Head of the Class

Melissa and I took our early pregnancy class this week. It was LONG. And while the two hours was mostly stuff we already knew… there’s always something new to learn.

Here are the top five things I learned:

1. SOMEONE’S JOB TITLE IS “LACTATION CONSULTANT”. Their job is to tell you how to breastfeed. There’s apparently a lot more to it than just mouth to boob. I guess a lot of women who struggle with this. I did not know this.

2. SOMEONE ELSE’S JOB TITLE IS “DOULA”. I’d never heard of this before. Neither had Melissa. Here’s the definition: “A woman who assists another woman during labor and provides support to her, the infant, and the family after childbirth.” Translation: No medical skill.

3. KEGEL EXERCISES CAN BE DONE AT ANYTIME. From now on when I see a woman sitting by herself at a stoplight… I’ll know what she’s doing.

4. ANOTHER REASON TO AVOID SHARKS. Not only can they eat you, you can get sick eating them. Note to self: avoid them in the ocean and at the grocery store.

5. I MAY HAVE TOXOPLASMOSIS. The symptoms include: fever (check) headache (check)… and stiff neck (check, check, check). Then again, you get this from handling cat feces, which thankfully I haven’t done much of lately.

The last thing I learned, we have a lot more to learn. There are about a dozen other classes to take… some on how to get ready for the baby, some on how to take care of the baby once they’re here.

There’s even a class to remind you how to get ready for a second child. I guess it’s comforting to know that even when you have kids, there’s still more to learn.

(Note to Kaiser: If you’re going to hold a 2-hour pregnancy class at 6 p.m. you might want to provide food. I swear one woman looked like she was going to slather me in BBQ sauce.)